monalisa1492: La Gioconda (Default)
[personal profile] monalisa1492
Today I thought about weeding the front garden but I didn't. I'll let the weeds live another day. Happy Earth Day!

Today is also the birthday of a person I thought I knew very well a long time ago. I still don't know how I feel about that really. Disappointed mostly. I feel about the same as I do about my first real job that I had for almost 20 years. You put so much time and effort into something that you think it's going to last, and then the anger and resentment that it doesn't last shows up to mess with you some more.

Yes, I am less bitter about that person specifically and my former job now that there are years between then and now. It' still disappointing. I don't visit or communicate with either one anymore, so there's really nothing to dwell on or revisit. Sometimes my curiosity gets the better of me, but there's really nothing I want to do about it.

I suppose it's how you look at the situation. You could maintain that relationship with that person, with that job, through thick and thin, for better or for worse. When it got as bad as I thought it was going to get, I was still there. When time went by and it didn't get any better and each respective relationship continued to worsen, I was still there. And when it really got bad and I was honestly surprised that it had deteriorated so much from its original status, I was still there physically. I was imagining a way out, a way in which that person, that job, was no longer part of me but I could retain my universe without that one thing in it anymore.

We all know that you can't remove one thing from your life without other things being affected by it. Things change, they have to. It is comparable to a game of checkers, or more perhaps like a game of Jenga? Luckily for me, my universe didn't collapse in on itself in either situation although I had entertained the idea that it had at some point. I was relieved. I had unburdened myself of a mentally taxing affair that I was resolved never to return to. That person and that job were no longer something I had to worry about. They had left, I had left. Game over.

Yes, of course, you think of the good times more than you think about the bad times. Why stay in any relationship for that long if it was just awful to begin with? In my home there is photographic evidence of my happiness during those relationships, and I can still look on them with fondness for each one in my heart. That fondness inevitably leads me down a path to other happy memories, but always that reason for leaving is quietly waiting for me. Thankfully, it's not waiting for me with a pointed stick or a bloody glove, but it is just there waiting for me to come on over for another look. I do look at it again. I can't help it. It's like looking at something dead in the road. It makes you sad but you still want to know what it was.

I am grateful that when I do look, I feel sorry for the dead critter, and in this context I mean the dead relationship. It's dead because things change. Someone built a new road, someone kept too many secrets, some corporation bought a small business. Things change. They have to change. I had hoped something good would come out of that change for me before I felt there was no other option. I left because it was the best thing to do for my mental health. I had to make my universe more balanced and less stressing to live in.

For the others, I hope it was an uninvited opportunity to look for something better than what I could no longer share.
Happy Birthday. I'm thinking of you, and I hope you are well and happy. I am happy too.


monalisa1492: La Gioconda (Default)

April 2012


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